Desperately Hoping
by Liriell
Summary: Have you ever wonderd which hurts the most? Saying somethng an wishing you hadn't? Or saying nothing and wishing you had? He did both, thus causing the loss of his beloved mate. But fate gave him another chance in form of the miko. Maybe Next Time Sequel
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer. I own nothing, just the plot :)

**Despterately Hoping**

A heart was as fragile as glasses. Just one too strong kick or push or whatever and it will break into thousand of pieces. And it would take a long time before they would be put together again. You have to glue the right pieces together, to form them in the right way and it needs a lot of glue.

_I was never one to patiently pick up the broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself the mended whole is as good as the old one. What is broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived._

Kagome smiled and closed the book she read. The more times she read it, the more she fell in love with the book and Scarlett. She felt with Scarlett. As selfish as she had been, she lost a child and her soulmate. For Kagome, nothing could be more terrible than that.

Her mother always chastised her for getting all too emotional with the fictions, stating she lived too much in her fantasy, but Kagome found it easy to understand them and their actions. Especially when it was a love tragedy like that. It was indeed weird in a way, to feel so much compassion, when it was only fiction, but she couldn't help it. For her, it was real, the hurt, the pain and the disappointment.

She looked up to the sky and realized that it was getting late. It was time for her to go back to the camp before Inuyasha would make a fuss again. She sighed. Damn, that boy was frustrating and so irritating. She reached out for her towel and wrapped it around her body, before stepping out of the hot spring. Suddenly, she felt an aura behind her.

"Who is it? she asked and turned around. She could only see the darkness, created by the shadow from the closely placed trees. She couldn't see anything, but she was sure that there was something. Nervously, she touched on her belongings, not wavering her eyes from her surrounding. When she still found nothing, she realized that she left her arrow and bow in the camp.

She was in deep trouble.

"Lani?" she asked in vain hope.

"Lani?" A deep voice answered her. Sadly, it was not the deep feminine voice, but one belonging to a male.

"Sesshomaru?" Kagome asked and turned around. It was him, but she had yet to decide whether this was a good thing. After all, the last time she had seen him, he had tried to kill her... somehow. "What are you doing here?"

"You are treating on my lands, so it should be me who ask you that."

"So, still, what are you doing here, with me, I mean. Do you..." she gulped. "...want to kill me?" she asked. She may have gotten stronger, but not this strong. She knew that she wouldn't be able to take him down, maybe never. And she was smart enough not to try.

"No." A sigh of relief escaped her. Great, this meant that she still had the chance of marrying and having children and dying at a ripe age like 80. "Wait a moment! If you were not here to kill me, then what is the reason why you are here. Is it because of Inuyasha, do you want the sword, -" Thousand possible moments flashed through her eyes, maybe he still sought the Tessaiga? What should she do?

"And... and what other reason do you have to come here?" she asked.

"I..." Was this nervousness she traced in his voice? Surely, she was hallucinating. "I have a few questions. It seems you are the only one who can give me the answers."

"Well." Lucky me, again, she thought. "I will help you as much as I can." she smiled.

"I take you won't need long to change your attire or are you going to be clad in this?" he asked and raised his eyebrow at her, looking up and down her body. Kagome pressed the towel even tighter around her body. If it had not been Sesshomaru, if it had been anyone else, she would have put him right there and then to his place, but alas, it was Sesshomaru, the Lord of the Western Lands, she would shut her mouth up.

"Can you please turn around? I-"

"I will meet you here again, tonight, when your companions are sleeping." he simply said and left, leaving Kagome stunned. She stood there for a few minutes, unsure how to react. This was quite the most weirdest encouters in her life, especially considering it was Sesshomaru. The cold and distand Lord who detested humanity and not to forget the demon who tried to kill her. No, she remembered, there was one time, their last encounter, he did not want to kill her. She remembered it very well. It had been weird. When she flew away, she could feel his eyes pierce through her. And when she did turn around, she saw him look at her. Nothing else, he just looked at her.

That day had been different, their encounter was different, aside from the fact that he did not try to kill her. It was something else. She knew, she would be going out on a limb, when she claimed that she saw emotions in his eyes, but Kagome was sure she was right. If to be specific, she would say that... there was desperation in his eyes.

Absurd! She knew how laughable this sounded ridiculous, but she couldn't help but believe it. The expression he had worn, she had seen many times. The time their father left to go overboard and looked at their mother, when Inuyasha watched Kikyou leave and it was the same look Miroku always gave Sango, when he thought she wasn't looking. The look you have, when you leave something unsaid.

Regret.

Kagome shook her head. No, this wasn't possible. What could it be that Sesshomaru regretted? And if at all, it would surely not concern her. She was just a mere human girl, someone of no importance of him. She smiled and changed into her clothes. But all the time, she couldn't figure out why her heart seemed heavier than usually. As if something was squeezing her heart.

And so, finally she made her way back to the camp.

She was amazed at how easy she could find her way back. There was once a time where she could not even take a step without getting lost in the forst, but now, it seemed as if she knew it like the back of her hand. But either way, Kagome loved the forest.

It was so different from what she knew and grew up with. In Tokyo, she knew of no place that could compare to the beauty of this forest. No clearing, no gases destryoing the flora, just the nature in her truest form, untouched by mankind, like the way it was meant to be. Kagome couldn't believe how her ancestors could have turned their eyes from such a beauty, she would never be able to understand them. But maybe, it was her who was different. Most of the kids always felt more comfortable with streets, buildings and the typical city look, but somehow, Kaogme had always been the outdoor type, the free spirit.

In the nature, she felt like she was at home, more than even in her real home.

Kagome stopped for a moment to watch her environment. It always succeeded in taking her breath away. To her, it seemed as if the forest was filled with magic from the smallest plant to the greatest tree, filling every corner and every hole. She kneed down and touched the flower. It was blooming in all of her glory, but Kagome knew, it was about to die. The was the cycle of life and sadly, flowers were never meant for a long life. Carefully, she stroked the blossom of the flower.

Kagome always had a weak spot for flowers, for all kind of plants. As a child, she would touch everything in her reach that was green and appeared like some portayal from the nature. With every touch she could feel the life flowing from flower in her hands, the energy would begin with a small prickle in her fingertips and end with a fire in the ver core of her heart. It was the most magical she could come in touch with.

She smiled and finally stood up. It was late and she should get back, this time with no distraction and straight ahead to her friends.

The darkness spread across the sky, turning the babyblue sky into a royal blue sea of stars. Kagome looked up, seeing the night approach. Even the moon was now shining on the firmament. Slowly, she turned around and saw everyone sleeping peacefully. Inuyasha had disappeared a long time ago, she had waited carefully to make sure that she wouldn't be caught by him. In the meantime she contempleted whether she should really go and meet him. After all, she had no reason to. One one hand, it would be risky, but on the other, if he had wanted to kill her, he would have surely done that when they were alone.

But there was more to it.

The fact was, she wanted to go and meet him there. Her gut told her to go for this shot. All of her feelings pointed to that direction and Kagome had never been the one to deny her feelings. Maybe it was the way, his eyes looked like on their encounter, maybe it was the sad aura she imagined to have surrounded him or the bitterness. But she knew there was more to him than what meets the eye. And she wanted to be the first to see what it was.

She made up her mind.

Kagome slipped out from her sleepig bag and stuffed the same bag with some of her clothes, so it would appear as if there was someone lying in it. With one last look, she checked the camp. They were all asleep.

What would await her? She didn't know, but she wanted to. With precaution, Kagome made her way into the forest directly heading to the direction. But she didn't hurry up. One reason was, because she didn't want to arouse the attention from beasts or even worse demons and second, she was still uncertain at what she was doing. The slower she went, the more was her chance at changing her mind and turning around. She could still go back into her sleeping bag and pretend this never happened. That she didn't sneak out to meet the demon lord who tried to kill her and her friends at many occasions. Well, actually just Inuyasha, but that was another matter. He was still her friend and she was meeting her friend's brother, the hated brother and sworn enemy, not to forget.

Was this a betrayal? It sure felt like it.

"Miko?" She gasped.

* * *

><p>Okay, this is the first act, I hope it wasn't too short. How do you like this so far? Nex time it will be from his point of view or rather, it shows a lot of insight from his perspective and we finally get to know what his thoughts concerning her are.<p>

I will update soon

xoxo


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but the plot and a few charaters

**Desperately Hoping: 2. Chapter**

He didn't know why he was here. It had been so long since he stood right here, on this spot. There was only one day in the year, where he would visit her. The anniversary of the day she died. Any other day felt... it didn't feel right, it felt as if he had no right to come here. And maybe, he wasn't that wrong.

Sesshomaru went down on one of his knee, wiping away all the dust stainting the stone and tainting, what the stone was standing for. When all the filth was erased and the inscription was clearly visible to the day, his eyes roamed the letters.

_Kimye, princess of the Eastern Lands, Lady of the Western Lands and daughter of the Sacred Isle. A dear friend, beloved daughter and a good mate._

_A picture of benevolence._

**_~ Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?_**

**_Saying something and wishing you had not?_**

**_Or saying nothing and wishing you had? ~_**

With a finger, he traced each letter, from the beginning to the end. He can still remember the dispute between him and her father over her grave stone, it was after all the reason why the funeral had taken so long. Her father had wanted it to be grand and big and pompous. Sesshomaru knew that he had only wanted the best, for everyone to mourn for her death in every nation, North, East, South, West. But he also knew that this was not what she had wanted. She hated pomp, she hated big and great and all the other things. She never wanted the titles mentioned on her grave, just her name and her words, because that was all that mattered, just like she said.

Sesshomaru grimaced bitterly.

Yes, in so many ways she was different from the ladies from ther rank. No, she wasn't exactly shy, but... humble. Yes, this was the right word to describe her. His Kimye was satisfied with what she had, she liked it simple, she kept it simple and she **was** simple. This doesn't mean that she was uninteresting nor plain, for she was nothing if not gorgeous, magnificent and ethereal, in mind and appearance. Her smile shone with the magnitude of thousands of suns, no-, like thousands of moons. She always loved the moon. She could and would philosophize with him all day, if he had given her the time of the day, which he did not. But on those rare occasions, where he did listen to her, he would always be amazed by her words and her voice, which spoke out words that just left him stunned.

He loved her, her simpleness, her smile, her kindness and her spirit.

Again, his eyes flew across the words she had chosen for her death. Again, it was weird and yet so totally like her for those to be her last words. She had once told him, that it was her intention to show everyone that time was only limited, a gift borrowed from the nature and someday something to be given back. It should make people contemplate about their actions and really reflect on what they are doing. It was a sublime thought, like he said, it was so like her.

So noble, so philosophical and so _naive_.

The reality didn't look like that. Just one simple look at the gravure wouldn't change someone's life. They cannot understand this, they do no get the meaning behind her wise words nor do they realize how true they were. For them, they were just some pretty words, meant to be forgotten within the next step they are to take. They would never change...

Not, until it is too late.

For no one knew it better than him. Sesshomaru wondered, whether she had known what her words were causing or whether it was just the irony of fate. To have those mocking words forever engraved on the stone of his beloved, knowing this is what he had done wrong and that if it had not been him, this grave would not exist at all. One of the many reasons why he did not and could not visit her.

It just hurt too much.

Sesshomaru closed his eyes. Whenever he stood in front of her, he felt ashamed, knowing this was his fault. If he stood there, he couldn't help but imagining of sceneries of what could have been and should have been. A family to come home to, home as in its truest meaning, pups of them, seeing them grow and be strong, to do things he always wanted but never did. The wish for those sceneries to happen was great, but no matter how he wished and how much he hoped, how desperately, it wouldn't become reality. For they all involved her. And this thought was always followed by excruciating pain in the vicinity of his heart or supposed to be his heart.

He knew it was his fault, he was aware of this and-

"Sesshomaru, is it you?" said person looked up. No pain, no fragment of sorrow painted in his eyes. Only coldness.

"I thought it was you. There aren't many people who come here often, since it is so secluded." Sesshomaru watched the man in front of him. He had hardly changed, he was still the the proud, magnificent and yet gracious Lord of the Eastern Lands. The father of his deceased mate, making him his father-in-law. "What is it that brings you here? It is not her day of death and I wonder what could have shaken the high mighty Lord of the Western Lands so much that he seeks comfort and answers in front of the grave of my deceased daughter. I wonder is it the guilt the answer to my question or just the reason for his being here."

Maybe he did change a bit. He carried an aura of sadness around him and Sesshomaru could guess the reason why.

"Lord Masao."

"I am waiting for your answer."

"I have no obligation to you, therefore, I don't need to answer you."

"You may be Lord of the Western Lands, Sesshomaru, you may be one of the strongest daiyoukais, but you are still the pup I watched growing up, you are still the young foolish demon I let my daughter mate, although it can be argued about who the more foolish one was, you or me. You, for letting her go and me, for letting her go with you."

"I will by leaving now." Sessgomaru passed the elder youkai.

"Pay more respect to your elders, boy."

"I owe you nothing."

"Really, what about the life of my daughter. After all, wasn't it you, who had taken her from me?" Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Do not worry, if I had wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be standing here right now. But don't think I am doing this out of mercy, I am doing it for her. She had loved you, Kami knows you have not deserved it, but she would not have wanted for you to die, especially by my hand. But if you were ever to die, I would surely not be the one to raise a hand for you." Sesshomaru watched him throw a glance at the grave. "However, this may not be the best place to exchange such formalities... She hated disputes." he whispered.

"You know, Sesshomaru, another reason why I did not kill you is because of your mother. She is a dear friend of mine, as your father had been and let's just say, she had endured much even for her youkai life and I at least want to spare her from the pain of losing her only child. It is quite painful, trust me, I know what I am saying. And now, that we are talking about your mother... She is looking for you."

"Then I guess, I will seek her and see for what reason she is requesting my presence."

"You should treat your mother better. She sure deserved it and I would not like to see myself lose another person dear to me because of your negligence."

Lord Masao sighed and watched him leave. He had not changed much, sadly, but who was he to judge. There is no one in the world who really knew what was going on inside of him... well, there had been one. He turned back to the stone in the center of the lake.

"Why did it have to be you?" he asked into the nothingness.

He received no answer.

* * *

><p>His conversation with his father-in-law just reminded him of the reason why he came to her grave.<p>

It sounded so foolish, it **was** foolish, but in a way, he had hoped to find answers on her grave. Something he did rarely now.

_Hoping_.

He had long given up on that emotion, after a century of accepting the reality that she would not return to him. The world was cruel, just as he was. Hoping was an emotion that didn't belong to him anymore.

But fate proved him otherwise again.

When fate had thrown _her_ into his life. The priestress and companion of his half-brother. The girl who resembled his deceased mate. He could still remember their first meeting, the moment when she stepped between him and his brother and defied him, the first person sinces centuries. The way she stood before him, proud, yet somehow fearful for his brother. Maybe it was the way she defied him or the way she did not fear him but for others, but for a moment, he had seen the image of Kimye in her.

At first, he hated her. He wanted to kill her for looking so much like his mate, no one deserved to be as beautiful as her. He didn't want to see her face, it was just another reminder to him. He thought the Gods hated him and this was the way to punish him, to torture him with someone, who resembled his love and knowing it was not her.

But in time, Sesshomaru learned that she did not only resemble her in her looks, but also in her personality. He had watched her from afar sometimes.

The more he watched her, the more his heart, which he deemed dead alongside his Kimiye, began to fill itself with hope. Or was he was just seeing what he wanted to see, an imagination rosen from his foolish hope in form of the human girl?

He would never know, not until he talked to her personally. He could hint at their, his and his mate's times together, see whether she has any memories or find other indications.

Sesshomaru looked up to the sky. He hadn't noticed up, but apparently, he had spent a lot of time in front of her grave. The moon was already rising on the night-sky and he should finally set out for their destination. He inhaled the scent of the forest, the fresh and natural scent of the forest, but there was something else. Something sweet was tingled with the nature's scent, the mere smell made his tongue prickle. It was as sweet was... flowers... but it wasn't normal flowers, which bloomed in the wilderness. It was something more special, it was... exceptional. Unique. More like a rare flower, which needed tenderness and special care. Like orchids or hibiscus.

_Even her scent was the same. _

Sesshomaru dashed away, lead by the sweet scent.

And there she was. Standing in the forest, in between trees with the moon letting her light shine on her. So much like her, in so many ways.

"Miko." She gasped and turned around.

"Sesshomaru-sama." she whispered.

"You appeared."

"I did." she fidgeted with the seam of her skirt, while looking down on the earth. "You sound surprised, that I did." She didn't know why, but somehow she couldn't look into his eyes. It didn't feel right. It was weird, actually she was never the kind of timid person, although the blame could also lie with him. After all, Kagome couldn't imagine that there are a lot of people who would not get intimidated by his person.

"And what is your view on this?"

"I have no reason not to..." he eyed her with a questioning look. "Okay, well, maybe I do have a few reasons why I should not. You are right. But I couldn't helpt it. I was curious, it isn't like I get every day the chance to talk with someone like you."

"What did you just say?"

"Ah, that-" She was frantically searching for words, but it was hard when her heart was racing at this pace. "I was curious. I mean, you said that you wanted to get some answers and I wanted to know, what it was, since I could not imagine what it is that I can answer or rather, what kind of answers I can give you, that-"

"I meant the last part."

"Which part?" she asked.

"It's not important." he said.

"Um, okay, just know that it wasn't meant to be an insult." Was it her or did the wind seemed to sound louder than it does in the daylight? She wondered how she always managed to get into such intricate affairs. She sighed, thinking of things she could say to penetrate the silence. Somehow, nothing came to her mind. The problem was that she didn't know him nor was she able to tell what kind of topics he was interested in. She raised her head in desperation, searching for an answer. The view which met her eyes, created a smile upon her lips.

"The moon is beautiful, isn't it." she sighed. "Whenever I feel... desperate or hopeless, I would look at it. Especially at nights, I feel often more lonely than in the day. I blame it on the darkening. It gives me the feeling to be more isolated, it beclouds our senses. But in a way, the night is, despite it's eerie atmosphere, is more beautiful compared to the day. The sun may be brighter, but that's all that is there. The moon penetrates the darkness and we appreciate more than the day, because it helps us to find our way through the dark night. It teaches us not to take anything for granted." She smiled and looked dreamily upon the firmament.

Sesshomaru watched her the while time during her speech. He had heard her words before, especially all of them together in one tune.

"But, that's just my opinion. So, what is it, that you wanted to talk with me about?" Somehow, after having pouring the words out of her heart, she felt lighter, freer.

"You are different."

"... Thank you?"

"You don't fit into the mass here, you don't seem to belong to them." Maybe she was too fast when it came to deeming his words as a compliment. She was so naive, how could she believe that Sesshomaru ever had nice words to say to her.

"The way you speak, the clothes you wear, they are different. Tell me, where is it that you are coming from?" he asked. "When was the day you were born on?"

"I... I am sorry, but I cannot answer your question." He narrowed his eyes slightly. "This is a very personal matter and I... my residence, the place I was born and raised in and which I call home, is something I have not even told my friends. I am sorry, but I can't answer your question."

Again, silence filled their surrounding. No one said anything. Kagome hoped that she didn't offend him in any way, slowly, she peeked at him. He didn't seem to notice, his eyes were glued on the silvery orb in the sky. Somehow... he looked sad. She couldn't understand this, why would anyone ever feel sad when seeing such a beautiful thing? What is it that had hurt him so much? What was he trying to hide? What was the cause for his bitterness?

"What is it?" he asked her with indifference in his voice.

"It's nothing..." she answered.

"Then, why do you say words which suit to neither your tone nor the expression you are wearing on your face?"

"Maybe... but what I am about to say is very... personal and I do not think that we know each other well enough to step past this step." Kagome knew that she had no right to ask him such questions, she wasn't his friend and if at all, she was his enemy.

"Hn..." This was such a predictable answer. It caused her to laugh.

"You know, this situation is so ... weird. It just seem insane to me. I mean, no offense, but on our first meeting you tried to kill me and I am the companion of your brother, who you hate with your every being. To talk to you is..." she giggled.

"I do agree. Our start wasn't the best."

"Then... maybe, we could start anew." Kagome smiled and offered her hand.

"I am Kagome, I am a normal human girl, except the fact that I am the Shikon Miko and am on a quest for the Shikin shards of the juwel, which I destroyed."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

* * *

><p><strong>Desperately Hoping<strong>

"It's late; I think I should go back, before Inuyasha. I am really tired." with that she stood up and began to leave.

A smile appeared on her face, when she remembered their first meeting. The first on which many other meetings followed soon after. In the night, when everyone was sleeping and in some cases, when Inuyasha sneaked away, too, she would stand up and meet him again. It can be one-sided, but Kagome thought, that with each meeting, they were growing closer. It was awkward at first, because she didn't know what she should talk with him about. But with time, she got used to it. She would just talk and he would listen to her. And he turned out to be a great listener, on the contrary to his brother.

She may not admit this, but she had begun to look forward to their meetings.

She giggled. The way it was expressed, secrets meeting in the night with the enemy, it reminded her in a way of Romeo and Juliet. Just that Sesshomaru wasn't as romantic as a Romeo would be, and that she wasn't a maid needing to be rescued and even so that they weren't in love and probably would never be. But she guessed that this was the closest she would ever get to Shakespeare's drama.

"Kagome?" his voice gave her a fright.

"Shippo, don't sneak behind my back. I thought I was getting a heart-attack."

"Why Kagome, you act as if you have something to hide. Is there a secret you want to share with us?" Miroku asked, joining their conversation.

"What? Me? Oh, what would I have to hide? I don't have any secrets from any of you. You know how I value honesty. Are you implicating that I am a liar or something? Do you think I could ever hide something from you? Is that what you wanted to say? Well, I have nothing to hide." Now she got the attention of everyone in the camp, even Inuyasha, who usually acted as if he paid no attention to her, was staring at her now.

"Kagome?" Sango asked.

"Yes?"

"I think that Miroku was just joking, he probably didn't mean anything serious with his comment." Oh god, this was the disadvantage of everything. Guilt. She wondered whether Romeo and Juliet had to deal with this, too. Probably, yet on the other hand, they were just imaginary figures created by Shakespeare to entertain and demonstrate people. Something far from reality.

"Yeah, yeah, I am sorry, Miroku. I think the stress is getting the better of me. I am so sorry. I promise, I w-"

"It's nothing, Lady Kagome. It was a bit my fault, too, for provoking you. Let's just forget this and act as if nothing had happened." The monk offered.

"Yes, this seems to be a good idea." she smiled.

* * *

><p>Tonight she would do it again. Like the previous night before that, she would wait until everyone had drifted into dreams, then sneak off and meet him. It was a usual routine by now, she should have gotten used to it, but Kagome realized that every time she felt the same guilt dragging heavily on her heart, darken her ever growing anticipation of seeing him again.<p>

However, she also knew that if she had to decide between the guiltiness on her conscience and the longing to see him again, then she would choose the latter. There was something special that had drawn her to him. Maybe it was his mysterious ways, which gave her a feeling of something undiscovered. Maybe it was her own curiosity? Either way, Kagome felt this wanting growing steadily and she had never been someone to deny herself of her wants.

She smiled at him, when she saw him approach her.

He did not smile back nor did he say anything. This was okay for her, and so she just sat next to him. This was how their nightly meetings would pass, sometimes they would talk about certain things, exchange regards and views, which never ceased to bore her, since, due to their different point of views, they would always be able to engage in an interesting discussion. But there would also be times, where they would just sit in silence together and enjoy their darkened surrounding. And apparently, for today it would be the second scenario.

She did not mind at all. Kagome looked up and saw the full moon. The month was ending, she sighed in her mind. It had been actually almost an entire month since their secret meetings had begun, this seemed impossible for her to believe, even now when she was sitting right next to him, she felt like she was in a just too vivid dream. In a way, she was glad that this was reality and she was glad for the time, they spent together. Thanks to that, she was able to learn more of him, he was not the mysterious cold-hearted half-brother of her friend, but... **her** friend and maybe, or at least she hoped he felt the same way. She knew that he respected her, she had noticed that during one their heated arguments, when he decided to listen to what she had to say, instead of dismissing her because of her race or sex or just because she was of lower status than him.

Sesshomaru watched her from the corner of his eyes. She smiled wistfully, while holding her head up to the moon. He wondered for a moment whether she knew how beautiful she looked at the moment. Her face bathed in the moonlight, her hair shone in a midnight blue, but the most beautiful thing about her was her smile. He would have liked to know what she was thinking of, what could have made her smile like this? Alas, he could not and he would not ask her that. The reason was probably something silly and of childish thinking.

He was still watching her, his eyes taking every little detail of the sight, which was presented in front of him. Her hair, her face, her eyes and her smile...

"You remind me so much of her..." he whispered and looked at her.

"Who?" she asked. She wasn't sure whether he had wanted her to hear him, but she did. And now she starred into his eyes with a questioning look, wanting to know who he referred to. He contemplated whether he should tell her. Was it too early? In a way, he wanted to tell her and see whether she showed any signs of remembering it, signs which would help him to decide whether this woman in front of him was who he at first thought of her to be. Even after spending a month together with her, he could not decide on which choice to make.

"Tell me, Kagome, do you know what a mate is? In my term?" he asked.

"Yes, I do..." she said, wondering in which way this question was connected to hers. "Kaede, ah, this is an old priestess in a village I often visit, had told me about this. As far as I have understood this, the term 'mate' can also be translated as wife in human terms, isn't that right? In other words, a demon's mate is only the 'wife', only that it has different rituals."

He nodded.

"What does this have to do with my question?"

"This Sesshomaru had had a mate, too." he told her. "Her name was Kimye, daughter of the Lord Masao of the Eastern Lands."

"Really, oh... wow, I ... never knew." she said. No one had told her about this. Why actually? But now if she looked at it, it was only reasonable for him to have a mate. He was after all the Lord of the Western Lands, meaning his son, his heir would inherit this title after he had passed and if history had taught her something, then it is that ensuring the family bloodline was the utmost important matter. But was is a betrothal or was it a desired marriage? In her mind, Kagome began to form the female who is mated to Sesshomaru. She had two option, one that she was exactly like him, cold, ruthless, arrogant and insanely beautiful, but she could also imagine that Sesshomaru mated with a beautiful demoness who was perfect in personality and appearance, the best only for him. But both had one thing in common.

"She must be an admirable person, I never knew her, but she must be, since she is putting up with you." Kagome smiled and looked up to the sky. "I could never do this, you know. She is not only putting up with you, but she also tolerates that you are always away, always roaming your lands and patrolling and-"

"She is indeed remarkable." Kagome looked at him. It was so rare to hear him compliment someone else, it seemed so weird to her, but when she turned to him and she saw something, which she had not expected. Eyes, shining like the moon during the midnight.

"You love her, don't you? Why, this is such a weird question. Of course, you do. I had never seen that expression." she laughed but then, she saw the look he gave her. "Oh, I am sorry. This wasn't appropriate of me; after all, it's not my business."

"No... no, it's okay." he said and she smiled again.

"But either way, I am happy that there is love between you, it's rare to find marriages or in your case, matings done out of love, especially on aristocratic households." she said. "You know, I really want to meet her. I don't care whether she likes me or not, but I want to see what kind of demon had captured the great Sessgomaru's heart." And again, she wondered why Inuyasha never mentioned her. Surely, she must be something special to be able to ensnare Sesshomaru like this, to make the great Demon of the Western Lands fall for her. But on the other hand, she should not be surprised, since she knew what the relationship between him and his brother was like.

"She is dead." he said.

"What?"

"My mate is dead. She had died almost at the time when Inuyasha was still bound to the tree, but either way, the bastard knows not to speak of her. Actually, no one does anymore." he explained.

"Oh, I..." Of course, she couldn't know this. To say she was surprised was an understatement, even more than the mention that he had a mate, well used to have actually. Kagome looked at him; he was starring at the moon. She felt sadness wash over her, as she focused her eyes on him. He had loved her, and still does. To think that the usual cold-hearted Sesshomaru loved and lost that love seemed so sad. And then she remembered what he told her.

"But isn't that sad? That way, no one will ever cope with the loss." To never speak of someone who one used to love, made it almost seem as if that person never existed. She knew the best; after all she remembered what it was like when father died. She hated the fact that no one mentioned him. It infuriated her.

"Her death is almost 300 years ago." he continued to explain then.

"But that doesn't make it hurt less. Okay, maybe it does, but the hurt is there, nonetheless. And the way I see it, you haven't gotten over her death, have you?" she touched his hand, which he did not pull back and for that, she was glad. It showed that he trusted her in a way, that they were **friends**.

Kagome was really glad that he decided to share this with her, it allowed her to realize why he was the way he was now and it confirmed her in her assumption that he seemed bitter over something.

"If I can't meet her, why don't you tell me of her? I am still curious to know what kind of pers- demon she was. Of course, if it doesn't bother you." She really hoped that she wasn't overstepping the line, but she really wanted to know of her. Her curiosity was spiked at the moment that she knew that he had a mate and also knowing that he had fallen in love with her, only added fuel to the fire.

At first, he didn't react to her plead.

"She was beautiful." he then said. "Inside and out. The most beautiful demoness ever seen. She was generous, of sublime character and picture of benevolence, just as her name says it. She was loving, something rare in demon society. She was not afraid to love or to show any emotions. She even loved human and she hated conflicts." Kagome nodded, eagerly absorbing information given to her.

"She sounds like a perfect person."

"She was. She spent her days thinking about the world, about misery and how she could improve our world and make it a better place. She loved to make everyone happy and she loved to laugh, living the life to the fullest. She was so terribly naive, she saw only the good things in the world." he scoffed and closed his eyes.

"At times, I thought she was stupid. She saw things from such different eyes; she saw beauty, when there was none. She must have driven her father to insanity. Sometimes, it's unbelievable how she could have survived in this society."

"She wasn't weak." Kagome said, feeling protective of her. She did not sound like a terrible person, on the contrary, she sounded... perfect. Just as she had imagined and it was indeed rare, just like he said to find someone like her in those times. She would not let him degrade the kindness.

"No, she was not. She was one of the strongest demonesses out there. Her power could almost equal mine, it did not devalue her that she was also the princess of the Eastern Lands, making her mate the next heir." he explained. "But it was her character that was her greatest weakness. She held too much compassion, she was too merciful, too much... _goodness_. The times she killed her opponents can be counted with one hand."

"Again, I ask, is this weakness?"

"You cannot understand this."

"Can I not? I am a priestess, the human who are the most involved with demon; we too, know what it means to survive. But despite this, I think she is one of the strongest person I ever get to know in this time."

"And in which way?"

"... You wouldn't understand this."

"Try me..." She sighed.

"Why would I do such a thing like this, when I know that there is no way I can persuade you of my opinion? I already see the doubt and disagreement in your eyes. Why try when I am deemed to fail?"

"If your arguments are reasoned, I don't see why-"

"No," she shook her head. "Maybe one day would understand what I mean. You can only understand when you feel it. Questioning and hearing won't make you see it."

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><p>AN: Hey guys, I wanted to say thank you all for reading my story and even more for reviewing my chapters. I loved all of them, they were the only thing that made me smile during my Easter vacation, when I got my wisdom teeth taken out :) And especially je-kay24, thank you for the reviews, i loved them and I will try to update in soon time, i promise

xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, but the plot. **

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><p><strong>Desperately Hoping<strong>

The dawn was about to break, as Sesshomaru made his way back to the camp. Her words were still occupying his head. The way she spoke her words, with so much assurance and confidence, every little chosen word, they felt so familiar, almost up to the point where he would claim to have heard them once before. But this confirmed nothing. It was no proof, not unless he could remember that _she_ had also said them. It would do no good if he jumped to conclusion, even if he would not hurt himself, in case he would fall. It was the wiser and more logical decision to make.

"Are you thinking about her?" Sesshomaru whirled around, his eyes flashing to the demoness, who was able to approach him without him having noticed her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, as he realized who was standing in front of him.

"Why, no hello to your mother, Sesshomaru? I guess you are not how I raised you to be. You lack of charm, my dear, something I had hoped me and your father would have bequeathed you plenty."

"What is the reason for your appearance, mother?" he asked her in his usual disinterested voice. "I hope that it is of urgent matter that you would seek this Sesshomaru at such place, instead arranging a meeting along with the pompous feasts and you love so much."

"I do not need to justify myself in front of you, when my actions are only regarding my role and right as your mother." she huffed angrily. "Is it so wrong for me to want to see my son outside of the Court?" she asked in a small whisper. Sesshomaru raised his eyebrow, his mother rarely showed any emotions, nor did she ever reduce the tone she was speaking in.

"Anyway, during my search for you, and boy do I wonder, why you are travelling through the western region, I have sound something very interesting, not at least thanks to my dear friend, the Lord of the Eastern Lands."

"And what is it that you have found that intrigued you so much?" he asked his mother, his eyes narrowing dangerously. In the back of his mind, he could almost guess what this was supposed to be.

"The most precious weapon, eyes cannot see. Information." she smirked. "Starting with my dear friend, Lord Masao. At first, I thought he was joking with me. He told me he had seen you at his daughter's grave. Ridiculous, I felt insulted for him thinking he could joke around with me like this, especially with a joke as tasteless as this. Imagine my surprise, when I found that he was not joking at all." She paused for a moment, taking advantage of the silence to examine her son, searching for any trait for emotions. She sighed, as she found none.

"You have not visiting her as often as she had deserved. To other people, it would almost seem as though you are indifferent to her, when your feelings are everything but indifferent. You have only failed to express it." _As before her death_. "Either way, I became curious. Why is it that suddenly you are going to her grave, even staying there for longer than what is usual for you?" _Did something happen to him?_

"So I made my way towards you." she chuckled. "And then I found an even bigger surprise, bigger than any word from my dear old friend would have been able to awake. His proof was mere words, but the proof lying in front of my eyes was your action and how do the human say it? Actions speak louder than words, isn't it? What is it that the human had that intrigued you so much?" Sesshomaru growled at his mother's words. He felt a cold shower ran over his skin, as he heard her mention his Kagome.

"Well, she was sure beautiful ... for a human at least, she was not stupid for sure, and powerful she was alone for being the Shikon Miko, yet I failed to see **what** it was. You can purchase every beauty you want from his world, any demoness and every possible female from any other race, intelligence may be rare, but your interest would flee after some time, it is not reason enough for you to stay with her for a whole month, from what I guess this is how long you two have been seeing each other. And lastly, power means nothing to you, well not in that sense, you seek power on your own, meaning that the power this little jewel can grant you, is as much of importance, as a glittering stone to human, beautiful, but useless. So, **what** was it?" A smile graced her lips, something he was not used to. It was gentle, soft and there was no mocking.

"I thought you have gone mad, since I did not forget how your opinion is of human, despite your ward. I am glad that I had waited until this point, or else, I would never have figured out on my own." She looked up to the sky. "It was full moon," she said.

"And what of it?" She turned back to him.

"Her eyes, they are beautiful." she saw him narrow his eyes again. "The color, her eyes are painted in such a rare color. To me, it always looked like the ocean, one moment calm and serene and in the next, like blazes and the wildest storm. I also remember that to you, they were the reflection of the sky she had always lovingly gazed at, free and full of dreams, were it not, Sesshomaru?"

"You are referring to Simile." he explained clearly.

"Yes that I do."

"Yet, seconds ago, you were speaking of Kagome."

"Are you so blinded with your sorrow, so wrapped in your denial that you cannot see the truth?" she sighed.

"How can you be sure? You have no proof you can show to me, which confirms that Kagome is..."

"Maybe I do not, but I may know someone who does."

"Who?" he asked, his tone was firm and cold, but she had seen the desperation for her answer flicker for a small second in his eyes. This time she smirked.

"One hand washes the other, my dear. I will give you the answer you see and you will give me the information I had always longed to hear from your lips." It would not be something she was not aware of, but she had always wanted to hear it from him. If not for her confirm, then at least for him to acknowledge the truth.

Sesshomaru looked at his mother, his eyes penetrating her, but unlike his subject, she did not shrunk back, did not show regret over her words nor her attempt to make an offer to him, he did not like nor did she flinch from his look. She looked serene, her lips curved, they looked gentle in the breaking dawn, yet seemed to taunt him.

InuKimi was aware that he hated it when he was pushed like this. In some ways, her son still reacted like a pup, despite the years he had left behind him. He still could not accept that he would have to give something of himself up, or pay the price he should to get what he was targeting for. She remembered that whenever he was pushed into a corner, he would put up all his defenses, never letting anyone near him and sometimes, even turning into an aggressive mode.

"I want to speak about your late mate." If she thought that he would not show any emotions during their talk, then this proved her wrong. Fire was burning in his golden orbs and at this point, she thought that they were meant to burn into her soul.

"And what about it, dear mother?" he asked and she ignored the disdain in his voice, as he referred to her. What she could not ignore was the flinch she felt in her heart.

She was aware that he hated it that she was not reacting as any other of his subject would. He hated that she showed no fear, that she showed no regrets at the choice of her words or that she was pushing him to places nor did he like the way she held her head high, instead of bowing down to him and showing him the respect he clearly deserved.

She would not shrink back from the path she had chosen and already began to walk on. No matter how angry he was at her, no matter how much he wanted to rip her head from her shoulder. And even if she was the one who was at fault, she would not bow down to him. And this time, she knew that she was right. He could feel whatever he wanted, he could feel the burning desire to put his claw into her, but she would not shy away. She was his mother. Who did he think had he inherited his stubbornness from? His father?

"This Sesshomaru had never gone back on his word."

"If you think so." she said and smiled. At this point, Sesshomaru began to hate her smiles; they were either pitying him or mocking. "I want you to promise that this time, you will treat her right."

Her eyes darted to his hands, which were clenched into a fist.

"Someday," she said. "Someday, you will do it right, become the man who you should have been when you had the chance."

"You are making a fool of yourself, mother, speaking nonsense all the time. Cease your actions for I do not want to explain to other nobles as to why my mother is acting as an insane and frantic bitch."

_"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to things you do not want to feel."_ She was still smiling, but this time, it had something sad in it. Maybe it due to the way her glittering eyes, looking as if she was wondering whether her hope will turn true. Maybe it was the way her smile fell a little at the words of her son. Or maybe, he was just imagining it.

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><p>Sesshomaru was rushing through the forest. The trees flew away as he ran past them; wind was blowing forcefully against his face, as though it was trying to push him back, not wanting him to reach his destination.<p>

But at that moment, not even Mother Nature could have held him back. He was using full speed when he was trying to reach the address his mother had given him. There, as she had told him, he would meet a witch. InuKimi had not exactly said her to be a witch, since no one knew what kind of creature she really was. But to the Lord of the Western Lands, she was a woman, experienced in magic and magical occurrence, whether light or dark, then she was a witch in his terms, until that creature was able to teach him otherwise, maybe by giving him the right term. But for now, he was using that very term.

He had to admit that he was a little curious to what was awaiting him. He had not heard of her before. His mother herself had told him that not many people knew her; on the other hand, she knew a lot of people and other things. The former Lady of the Western Lands was so sure that she was able to deliver him the answer he was seeking and Sesshomaru had not traced any doubt in her voice nor in her eyes, meaning that she was very assured. What kind of creature could this woman be? And in which way would she be able to help him to find his answers?

It was not a question whether she wanted to help him or not, she would help him one way or another, either by force or willingly. It would be to the advantage to both of them if she decided to cooperate with him, but he was no man of illusions. She could defy him, deciding to not offer her hand and deny him her knowledge. But it was not as though it would change anything. After all, he could still use force on her and if he wanted something, then he would make sure to get it. There was no exception.

But what would happen, if Kagome was indeed Kimiye, his beloved Kimiye, the mate he had once lost due to his own stupidity? What would he do then? Could he tell her? Would she believe him? Or would it be wiser to not tell her, instead court her and tell her afterwards, so she would not escape from his grasp again? Should he tell her at all?

He feared of her reaction. If Kagome was really his deceased mate, then it would mean that he could not lose her a second time. Not when he had finally had the second chance he had sought for centuries for so long. He could not let her go this time, no matter what she had said on their last night. She will have to come back to him.

And then?

The demon, who was now on the quest on finding out whether the woman he had secretly been meeting is the reincarnation of his lover, could not help, but think back of the words his mother said to him.

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><p>AN: Hey, I'm sorry for not updating for so long. But I was away, in Paris to be exact with my class, meaning I had no way to continue on writing. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews. And a small Bonjour à Paris, la ville qui a presque entraîné me rend fou.

xoxo


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